Can't find the original source for this photo so I'm not sure who to credit. Let me know if you do.
The Oscars are so much better than stupid Bollywood awards.
Hollywood is so cool na? They do everything better than us, don’t they?
Yeah, we suck. Our movies suck. Our stars suck. Everything about us sucks.
Why can’t Bollywood make a film that crosses over? Why don’t our films get nominated for the Academy Awards? Why aren’t our awards shows like theirs?
Oh, that’s right. Because we suck. Our films are a joke. Our stars are a joke. Our scripts are a joke. Our awards are a joke.
Now Woody Allen, man he knows how to write a script, doesn’t he? He won the Oscar for it! Maybe we should try and write scripts like Woody.
Of COURSE the neurotic New Yorker thing will work for audiences in Chandigarh, fool!
Or maybe we can copy Scorsese.
Italian gangsters, Indian gangsters. Tomato, tamatar.
Trust me yaar, it’ll make Bollywood better. When we’re more like Hollywood, we can start to take ourselves seriously. Only then. Not before.
Maybe when we’re more like Hollywood, Hollywood will give a shit about us? *cross my heart and hope to die*
[Spoiler: No they won't]
Chalo, here’s the plan: We have to get rid of everything that makes our films and awards shows stupid. We have to write films and awards shows like they write in Hollywood.
Because that makes pukka sense for Indian culture. Screw the masses that have loved Bollywood for decades for giving them a unique brand of entertainment. Who cares if they show up to watch those stupid films with the stupid stars that make lots of money at the box office?
We’re not making films for them. We have more important things to do, eh? We have to get Hollywood to notice us!
Otherwise how will we know our own worth?
Hollywood stars don’t have egos, like our stupid Bollywood stars.
[Spoiler: That's because all the ego and crazy in LA belongs to the executives, agents and extensive behind-the-scenes machinery that no one sees. Stars don't stand a chance. And when they finally go ape-shit, you have a Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson or Charlie Sheen style meltdown.]
Arre Mel Gibson is nothing yaar. In comparison our Bollywood stars are just INSANE. Such bad behavior, all of them. They can’t be called model citizens. We should lynch all of them all the time. How DARE they cater to the masses and not please my refined Hollywood sensibilities?
Our stupid Khans (plus one ultra-stupid Kumar) don’t know how to act. So they collectively keep the industry afloat because of the money they bring in? Who says?
MY film will save Bollywood. You just wait. I will make a film that The Academy loves. And THEN they will notice us.
Because what are we worth if they don’t?
Of course I need the big-star box office draw to finance my little trying-to-please-Hollywood film. But no matter. They still suck. Fucking morons.
And people who don’t understand obscure depressing cinema, they’re a bunch of fucking morons too.
Yeah, the Academy. Now THEY are they tastemakers. Old white men know what the whole world likes. They should decide till kingdom come what the global standards of quality film-making should be. I worship at their altar. They know EVERYTHING there is to know about the movies.
They think song, dance and lip-syncing are silly and so do I. They would NEVER condone melodrama of any sort. They don’t ever have to change their sensibilities to suit ours. It always works the other way round. Always. Don’t you know that?
Ranbir in his stupid drag get-up. He’s not pleasing my Hollywood sensibilities! Now Billy Crystal. Everyone panned him but he was still funny though! Come on, he was totally appropriate. His jokes weren’t tired. Oh they were? Well he’s still not as embarrassing as SRK. (YES HE IS).
There’s no politics in Hollywood yaar. It’s ALL merit-based. No one lobbies for anything over there. It’s very fair. Everything is very fair. As long as you’re white, it’s all very fair. Old white men totally don’t have a history of exploiting everything that crosses their paths.
It’s not true that the Academy’s tastes only cater to half the global population. Look at me! I’m not white and I LOVE the films they nominate. I’ve completely honed and shaped my Western-educated sensibilities to match theirs. You should join that bandwagon too.
Our films and awards shows should make sense for old white men too – that’s obviously our target demographic.
Our awards shows should be as boring and proper as theirs. Wait what? Americans don’t give a crap about the Oscars anymore either? Except who they can make fun of the next day? Haha that is so funny. They know everything. They are gods.
My white sensibilities are spot on I tell you. Even though I’ve never set foot outside of India, I think exactly like white people think. That’s why I know everything. Trust me. Bollywood sucks.
I bet you if I moved to LA or NY with my film they would welcome me with open arms. It’s not an old white boys club, of course not!
Oh wait…yeah most of the top directors and actors and writers and technicians…oh wait, they are all white aren’t they? Well, I guess they can’t help it. Maybe everybody who works there is white? No? Well, maybe if I sounded white enough, they wouldn’t notice the color of my skin or my heritage? Maybe?
Uff, Bollywood sucks man.
Why do we suck so much? Why can’t we get ahead?
Why indeed.
As much as I was entertained by this rant, what saddens me is how many actually seem to think along very similar lines for real. Many of the replies to the very well-written piece, “Why The Oscars Don’t Like Indian Cinema” at nri.com (which even had the guts to say a few good things about Slumdog) were saddening. So many who have swallowed the idea that Oscars are all about merit, & that Indian cinema’s “failure” there is a stigma. That said, I certainly think that the Indian film industry could learn a lot from the Oscars AS A SHOW, in terms of production values, etc. Perhaps starting with not having so many award shows.
Stuartnz,
Totally right, it saddened me greatly too. They’re so brain-washed and they don’t even realize it.
I agree that the shows need a total overhaul as far as production values, but not by emulating the Oscars. It should be based on criteria that makes sense for the Indian film industries you know? Who wants another Oscar clone?
Definitely FEWER shows, that one we can all agree on.
“It should be based on criteria that makes sense for the Indian film industries you know?” No argument there, I think it’s perfectly possible for Indian cinema to put on an INDIAN awards show with technical excellence that matches the Oscars.
Ha, ha, I was SURE you would have something to say after the Oscars! Thanks for not disappointing me.
Sorry I don’t have time to say more, or I could quite spread myself.
Check your email when you have time.
mm,
Glad I didn’t disappoint! You KNOW I had to say something….
Nailed it right up. I was reading it while at the store and I was laughing so hard! This article is so honestly true! Unfortunately, I can name more than a fair share of celebs who feel this way.
But I especially agreed with the lines “Americans don’t give a crap about the Oscars anymore either?…Haha that is so funny. They know everything. They are gods.”
It’s sad because this is EXACTLY what pisses me off about Indian people, not only when it comes to awards and movies, but music, style, traditions…everything!
Indian people do think Americans are gods! It’s preposterous.
The Indian awards have full capability of being more entertaining than the Oscars.
Our culture, popular AND traditional, has entertainment written all over it. When those annoying celebs get even a litttlllee bit of pride for their industry…they can really go places.
P.S Let’s send this as a mass email to all those actors, directors etc that won’t stop raving about HWood and the Oscars.
Hehe Kavs, I have a few journalists in mind too that I would like to send this to as well.
I just don’t get why they can’t write anything about Bollywood without bringing up the “how does it compare to Hollywood” argument. Why compare it at all? It’s two completely different cultures, completely different industries! Sigh, but as you said our own people have decided that the Western aesthetic is the benchmark they need to keep aiming for so what can anyone do. Pathetic really.
Not just “Western aesthetic” – I finally read some numbers to soldify what you said abuot the makeup of the Academy voters – 94% white, 77% male, average age 67. The Academy is “No Country for (those not) Old Men”
Great post dude. Completely agree that Bollywood should stop trying to mimic Hollywood, but definitely still need to learn a thing or hundred about the western disciplines of how to tell a story. Still, Hollywood isn’t the be all and end all of filmmaking, but like everything in life, there’s something that people can learn from everyone. I mean, there’s got to be something that Bollywood has that Hollywood doesn’t allowing it to reach places like Russia and West/East Africa more successfully.
Exactly!That’s what I’m saying – Bolly has something unique and I just hate that they make their OWN standard of worthiness based on how they compare to the West. Nothing wrong with learning from everywhere, just don’t put Hollywood up as the ONE standard of filmmaking that everyone has to follow y’know?