Procedure To Watch Motion Picture Fillim: Joker

Joker is a masterstroke in film-making. It cannot be classified, analyzed or understood by the ordinary mortal mind. It’s purpose is two-fold.

First, it reveals to us a long-hidden truth: Life really does exist beyond planet Earth. The secret is out. Shirish Kunder is Golkot.

Second, it aims to disorient human beings by stripping the mind of its capacity to classify jokes as jokes.

The genius of Joker is that you don’t know if you’re laughing at it, with it, or if you’re supposed to be laughing at all. Is it ridiculous? Is it supposed to be ridiculous? Does the director know that it’s ridiculous? Wait, is he laughing at us? WHAT IS GOING ON?!!!! Have the aliens injected a chip inside my brain?!!!

A set of instructions should have been attached to every rare ticket that was sold. I produce it here for the benefit of mankind.

Procedure To Watch Motion Picture Fillim: Joker

STATUTORY WARNING: There is a possibility that you might turn into Shirish Kunder by the time you reach step 15.

SPOILER WARNING: Issued for those who plan to take this film seriously.

1. Get drunk or high first.

2. If you are a lightweight, you can skip step one. Joker will have you drunk, high and wondering what planet you’re from by the end of the film anyway.

3. Read all the bad reviews you can find and go in with below zero expectations.

4. It will help if your audience includes the target demographic for this film, namely the escaped convicts of Paglapur asylum. Atmosphere is everything while watching Joker. (For example, Get Filmy’s audience  included a very batty, very old white lady and two very fat desi aunties who were cackling and giggling away at everything.)

5. Procedure to understand the jokes in Joker:

“What a lame joke.”

“It’s supposed to be lame, that’s why it’s funny.”

“Oh so it’s funny because it’s not funny?”

“Yeah.”

“Duuuude, that’s deep.”

Repeat ad nauseum.

6. Similarly, with the plot:

“This is SO STUPID.”

“It’s supposed to be stupid, that’s why it’s funny.”

Pause. “I still don’t get it.”

“Here, drink some more whiskey.”

“BAHAHAHAHAHAHA – Vindoo Dara Singh is a Roman Warrior!!! The Indian Army is attacking a bunch of villagers dressed in vegetable-alien costumes!!! NASA scientists are complete morons!!….BAHAhahahAhah!!”

Congratulations. Your sense of humor has been successfully readjusted. It may never return to normal.

7.  Play “spot the movie reference” to pass the time. Turn it into a drinking game for maximum effect: Lagaan, Swades, Signs, Koi Mil Gaya, Bol Bachchan…

8. NASA. SWAT. FBI. The Indian media. The US government. The Indian army. DO NOT TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. THEY ARE VERY VERY FUNNY. If in doubt, two pegs more.

9. Your tolerance will be tested by Shreyas Talpade’s gibberish. DO NOT tear your hair out. Look at it this way – at least you didn’t have to memorize those lines.

10. Don’t feel bad for Akshay Kumar. At least the man knows what kind of nonsense works at the box office (Rowdy Rathore) and what kind of nonsense pisses people off (Joker).

11. Don’t take life so seriously. The film will be over in 105 minutes. Then you can go throw up in the toilet and start fresh.

12. If you get too disoriented, focus on Sonakshi Sinha. She’s doing what she’s done in most of her films so far – nothing much. It is a familiar and comforting sight.

13. Do take the time out to mourn Minissha Lamba’s career which is surely over after her WTF role as a “TV reporter”.

14. Is this a children’s film? Is this a parody film? Is this a B-film? Is this even a film? Yeh kya hai? Hai kya ye? Do not ask yourself such questions. There are no answers.

15. The only way to appreciate the “GOLKOT dancing to Kafiraana with Shreyas” scene at the end is to be completely out of your mind by then.

Fine Print: No refunds can be issued for tickets purchased. We are not responsible for all losses to sanity incurred while watching this movie. We apologize for the inconvenience. -Beleaguered Exhibitors/Distributors/Producers Association

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