Diva Battle #1: The Race 2 Team
Well, it turns out Saifu’s fancy suit wasn’t just about making a fashion statement. He was actually gettin’ his diva on in the Diva Battlefield that apparently is the Race 2 Promo Tour. And no it’s not the ladies. It’s not even Ameesha. It’s Saifu & John.
In other words, that suit was basically Saif’s “I’m a bigger star than John” suit.
Here’s what went down. According to this crazy-awesome article linked to me by @sukeshsharma24 (thank you!) Saif and John were totally not talking to or acknowledging each other during the entire press conference in Dubai. In fact they were so busy out-sulking each other, they forgot to answer any questions.
“And while the two exchanged not a single word in front of the audience, it was left up to the likes of Ameesha Patel, Deepika Padukone and Jacqueline Fernandez to dodge most of the media queries.
Meanwhile, Anil Kapoor appeared to be smirking at a private joke that none were clued into.”
Not one to miss any opportunity to make a fool of herself, Ameesha Patel tried to save the day by making this statement:
“The sequel to ‘Race’ is steamier, racier than its predecessor, with even more sexy women.”
Even more sexy women is just what the Race franchise needs, along with more twists.
Also, not one to miss any opportunity to make his On Par With Hollywood speech, Anil Kapoor took advantage of the Saifu-John cold war by endorsing “his” Hollywood movie:
My film, ‘Mission Impossible 4’ was shot in IMAX and in fact, I saw its first rushes here in this Meydan theatre (where the event was being held). I am quite optimistic that in five to 10 years, we will be on par.
Finally, in Ask A Stupid Question news, these were Saif & John’s responses when asked “what they would be chasing if life were a race”. (SERIOUSLY journos? He wore the big fancy suit and THAT’S what you came up with?)
“Is this a press conference or a Stardust convention? I guess happiness and success.” – Saif
“Burning 600 calories daily.” – John
Can’t THIS stuff be the movie?
[Update: Thanks to Anishok for reminding me about Saif's "This is Race, and Race is mine" statement, you can check outthis video of his presscon in London, which took place right before Dubai. The part about Dhoom vs Race comes at around 15:30.]
Diva Battle #2: Ranbir Vs. PeeCeeLicious
Rajeev Masand’s Open Magazine column this week alludes to an A-list star son (Ranbir) who completely out-diva’d a popular female star (PC) during Screen Awards rehearsals.
Basically PC was all, “I wanna rehearse before Ranbir coz I’m an international pop star yo.”
And Ranbir was all, “say whaaaa?” even as the event organizers, for some inexplicable reason, pushed Ranbir’s slot back for her.
But he didn’t blow the house down or say anything to PC. No no. Lest we forget the devilish streak Ranbir displayed during his unforgettable turn on the always dependable Koffee With Karan, he set aside his painstakingly re-constructed seedha sadha bhola bhala image to show Ms. Thang a thing or two about divalicious behavior.
But how to out-diva the queen of the emo-tweets without making Papa Rishi call another press conference? Why the way divas all over the world do it. Passive-aggressively of course.
After the Screen Awards were over and the performers had to re-shoot their acts for the cameras, Ranbir took his sweet time “getting his steps right” for his act. And this time, PeeCeeLicious had no option but to wait and wait and wait and Instagram some random pics and wait some more.
Ai hai Ranbir. Diva-giri, woh bhi with class!
Diva Battle #3: Deciphering The Katrina-Anushka-Deepika-Priyanka Frenemy Quadrangle
So I may be completely wrong about this (it frankly makes me a bit dizzy) but this is kind of how I’ve sorted it out in my head:
Anushka doesn’t wanna be friends with anybody yaar. “I need to check off every name on my Director Wish List plus there’s a good chance my ex-boyfriend is flirting with you so please get the fuck out of my way.”
Dippy has no issues with Anushka yaar. “If someone else has a problem with me, I’ll be the first one to go up and apologize even if it’s not my fault.” (Diplomat-wala insult)
Katrina is friends with everybody yaar! “We are all professionals here. Competition is healthy. I have no problems with anybody. I support everyone. Basically I am perfect I walk on water and you can’t prove otherwise.”
PC is yaaron ka yaar, yaar! “Say whaaaaa? I’m too busy making friends with the Khans yo.”
Anushka: “Snap, I should make up with Katrina yaar! Or she’ll eat my list and sign all my films plus she has magical powers!” …and promptly invites Kat to the MKBKM premiere and makes sure the world knows about their “laughing, giggling and chatting”. (“LOL, I didn’t mean that thing I said about Katrina and Bombay Velvet everybody!”)
Dips: “What, no invite for me?”
Anushka: “Mere paas Katrina hai. Aur Katrina ke paas Ranbir hai. Tumhare paas kya hai?”
Dips: “Mere paas PC hai! Aur vaise mere aage peeche Ranveer bhi hai!”
Or something like that.
Which Brings Me To Diva Battle #4: Ranveer Singh Vs. Zoom TV Cameras
Basically, you just NEED to watch this video. Non-hindi speakers, do not fret – you can watch it on mute. In fact, it’s better that way. Just watch Ranveer do his thing as he ignores Anushka (winks at the camera for good measure), “bumps into” Deepika and tries not to drool on her, ignores Anushka again (follow the circle-diagrams!), wanders the halls either trying to avoid or find Anushka, moves his chair closer to Deepika, fixes her necklace (for what seems like ages) while Anushka sits right behind him, etc, etc.
It’s hilarious and I think it would make a great silent film. Plus, facial hair OVERLOAD people. Not the sexy.
Props to Zoom. This is some quality spycamming-slash-diagramming-deconstructing right here.
Diva Battle #5: Stardust Nominations
This is my kind of nominations list, the kind that reads like Shobha De designed it in a drunken fit of Bollywood glitter.
The always dependable Stardust team wowed us with the dirtiest red carpet of all time last year…
….and they did us better by creating the dirtiest awards categories list of all time this year. If you’re gonna do a Bollywood awards show, THIS is how you do it, by ditching all pretense of credibility or sanity and just going whole hog and embracing the crazy.
Superstar Of Tomorrow
Hottest Film Producer (um, define “hot”)
Hottest New Filmmaker (ibid; also, define “filmmaker”)
Dream Director (not, apparently, the same as Best Director; also why can’t directors be “hot” like producers?)
New Musical Sensational Singer (Yo Yo Honey Singh was nominated, that explains everything)
…and of course 5 million Best Actor categories.
I honestly just want to see if they’ll clean up the carpet this year. Egads Kadsoo.