CONTAINS SPOILERS. IN THE NAME OF JOHNNY LEVER STOP NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.
THIS IS HOW IT WENT DOWN. We can stop talking in caps now.
Hot Saif is Hot walking on a beach as our mooooossshhht favorite jockey-killing tycoon, Ranveer.
Hot John is Hot stepping out of a helicopter as Armaan, badass, unscrupulous rich streetfigher dude with casinos and stuff.
Hot Deepika is Hot flashing legs & boobs as Armaan’s step-sister Alina (no idea if that’s Abbas-Mustan’s version of Elena), spending her share of the inheritance on endless tubes of red lipstick.
Hot Jacqueline is Hot as Armaan’s fiancee “the female with the Big O” or something, Omisha (yeah, they said that, sorry Oprah).
Anil returns as Robert D’Costa armed with his years of Hollywood experience to deliver dialogs like: “Cherry, I don’t have time to pop your cherry.”
Ameesha as the aforementioned Cherry plays herself no matter how much she denies it.
In The Beginning…..
Saif aka Ranveer pulls off a con involving a bajillion Euros.
John: You’re a hero Ranveer.
Saif: LOL I know.
John: This is my fiance Omisha.
Saif: Weird name. Is that a picture of Bipasha in your wallet?
Deepika: Let’s all dance on the scorpion-shaped jetty!
Jacqueline: When do I get to do my lip-wiping song? Coz that’s SO gonna do for me what Zara Zara Touch Me did for Katrina.
Saif: You’re my beloved Soniya’s sister!
Jacqueline: Yeah! And Armaan killed her! So stop undoing my top with your fencing sword you perv!
Saif: Alright! Well stop wiping your lips like that then! Let’s avenge Armaan together!
John: So he bought that you were Soniya’s sister eh?
Jacqueline: You’re such a kameena Armaan. *moans*
John: LOL I know. Let’s make out.
Deepika: What the hell am I doing in this movie guys?!
John: Helping me cheat at card games with your fancy sunglasses that can do all sorts of crazy-magical shit.
Deepika: Do I have to?
Saif: You could seduce me.
Deepika: Wanna make out to Atif Aslam?
Deepika: Armaan is a kameena. He totally tried to kill me!
Saif: LOL I know. Wanna know why I’m really here?
Deepika: Wait let me change my lipstick. Okay, shoot.
Saif: Remember Soniya?
Deepika: Yeah, from back when Bipasha was a big star?
Saif: Uh huh, Armaan blew her up in my fake Lamborghini coz we couldn’t afford to blow up the real thing.
Deepika: Didn’t see that coming.
Saif: Bipasha or the fake Lamborghini?
Ameesha: Yo, what’s that?
Anil: It’s the Shroud of Turin.
Ameesha: What’s the Shroud of Turin?
Saif: I’m gonna steal this thing.
Anil: YOU CAN’T DO THAT. HOLLYWOOD HASN”T DONE THAT YET.
Aditya Pancholi aka Bat-Outta-Nowhere-Random-Head-Don: Chillax bro. We got this.
Anil: Lekin main Tom Cruise ko kya mooh dikhaoonga?
Ameesha: Here, let me put you in the juicer and stuff so liquid comes out.
Anil: Ah! I feel better now. So how are we going to steal this thing?
Saif: Well, the lamest nun in the history of nunnery is in charge of guarding this most priceless relic so we can totally hack the password while she flips out.
Ameesha: Great plan! Can I come?
Deepika: Can I come too?
Saif: No. You and Jackie have disappeared completely at this point in the movie.
Jacqueline: Huh? What? I’m still in this movie?
Anil: Hey, where’s John?
Saif: He’s jiggling his manboobs in a cage.
Anil: Of course.
Aditya Pancholi: FIGHT or I won’t finance this Turin heist!
John: But my last fight was my last fight.
Typhoon, The Gora Prizefighter: HAAAAAYAAAAAAAAHHH!!
John: haaa…. haaaa…
Abbas-Mustan: Saala ye chilla bhi nahin sakta! Let us slow-mo the moob jiggles to camouflage the fact that John can’t act.
Saif: I stole the Shroud! Bring the car around! I’m gonna come out of the sewer!
Anil: Just like M:I3! I’m ON IT!
John: I won the fight! You got the Shroud! Let’s drink champagne in the middle of the blistering desert out of wooden mugs!
John: You think I poisoned your drink? Here I’ll go first.
Saif: Okay. *drinks*
John: BAHAHAHAHA. You so stupid, Alina poisoned your mug fool, not the whole bottle!
Deepika: I did boo. Sorry.
Saif: OMG OMISHA save me!
Jacqueline: Just FYI, I’m not really Soniya’s sister. Also, men are many but money is money.
Saif: I’m DYING here, can you not alliterate?
Deepika: Is this movie over yet?
John: Let’s drink champagne in our big fancy private jet!
Deepika & Jacqueline: Wokay.
John: But first I’m gonna shoot Alina.
Deepika: What? Why?
John: Did you seriously not see that coming?
Saif: I’M NOT REALLY DEAD Y’ALL I HAVE A BAD HABIT OF STAYING ALIVE. Also I drove my fancy car into your fancy plane because I have parachutes and stuff to use at the end.
Deepika: I did see that coming.
Saif: Why’d you kill Soniya?
John: Coz she cheated on me with you and broke my heart.
Saif: Wait, is this in the script or are we talking for real here?
John: IDK bro, did you sleep with Bipasha?
Saif: Have you not seen my Kareena tattoo?
Abbas-Mustan: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE MOVIE PLEASE.
John: LOL J/K, I killed her coz she took my money and ran.
Saif: I’m gonna rip the door off of this freakin’ plane now!
Jacqueline: And yet, amazingly all of us are just standing around even though our airplane has no door.
Airplane Pilot: WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE?
John: *Bang Bang*. Moron. Ranveer, I’m gifting you with a flying funeral and taking the parachute, my Big O and the bearer bonds with me.
Deepika: Is the movie over NOW?
Saif: Nope! My fancy car has four red parachutes.
John: The bearer bonds are fake and so is the Shroud of Turin! Ranveer totally out-conned me! NO WAY!
Saif: BWAHAHAHAHAHA. I told you, Race is MINE!
John: Don’t worry, I’ll see you in Race 3.
Deepika: THERE’S GOING TO BE A RACE 3?!! CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL OFF MY CHARACTER PLEASE?