14 Comments

Money Is Money & Cherries Are Cherries: The Brilliance Of Race 2 [SPOILERS]

r2

CONTAINS SPOILERS. IN THE NAME OF JOHNNY LEVER STOP NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.

THIS IS HOW IT WENT DOWN. We can stop talking in caps now.

Hot Saif is Hot walking on a beach as our mooooossshhht favorite jockey-killing tycoon, Ranveer.

Hot John is Hot stepping out of a helicopter as Armaan, badass, unscrupulous rich streetfigher dude with casinos and stuff.

Hot Deepika is Hot flashing legs & boobs as Armaan’s step-sister Alina (no idea if that’s Abbas-Mustan’s version of Elena), spending her share of the inheritance on endless tubes of red lipstick.

Hot Jacqueline is Hot as Armaan’s fiancee “the female with the Big O” or something, Omisha (yeah, they said that, sorry Oprah).

Anil returns as Robert D’Costa  armed with his years of Hollywood experience to deliver dialogs like: “Cherry, I don’t have time to pop your cherry.”

Ameesha as the aforementioned Cherry plays herself no matter how much she denies it.

In The Beginning…..

Saif aka Ranveer pulls off a con involving a bajillion Euros.

John: You’re a hero Ranveer.

Saif: LOL I know.

John: This is my fiance Omisha.

Saif: Weird name. Is that a picture of Bipasha in your wallet?

Jacqueline: Maybe.

Deepika: Let’s all dance on the scorpion-shaped jetty!

Jacqueline: When do I get to do my lip-wiping song? Coz that’s SO gonna do for me what Zara Zara Touch Me did for Katrina.

Twist #2

Saif: You’re my beloved Soniya’s sister!

Jacqueline: Yeah! And Armaan killed her! So stop undoing my top with your fencing sword  you perv!

Saif: Alright! Well stop wiping your lips like that then! Let’s avenge Armaan together!

Con #5

John: So he bought that you were Soniya’s sister eh?

Jacqueline: You’re such a kameena Armaan. *moans*

John: LOL I know. Let’s make out.

Twist #9

Deepika: What the hell am I doing in this movie guys?!

John: Helping me cheat at card games with your fancy sunglasses that can do all sorts of crazy-magical shit.

Deepika: Do I have to?

Saif: You could seduce me.

Deepika: Wanna make out to Atif Aslam?

Saif: TOTALLY!

Twist #8

Deepika: Armaan is a kameena. He totally tried to kill me!

Saif: LOL I know. Wanna know why I’m really here?

Deepika: Wait let me change my lipstick. Okay, shoot.

Saif: Remember Soniya?

Deepika: Yeah, from back when Bipasha was a big star?

Saif: Uh huh, Armaan blew her up in my fake Lamborghini coz we couldn’t afford to blow up the real thing.

Deepika: Didn’t see that coming.

Saif: Bipasha or the fake Lamborghini?

Con #11

Ameesha: Yo, what’s that?

Anil: It’s the Shroud of Turin.

Ameesha: What’s the Shroud of Turin?

Saif: I’m gonna steal this thing.

Anil: YOU CAN’T DO THAT. HOLLYWOOD HASN”T DONE THAT YET.

Aditya Pancholi aka Bat-Outta-Nowhere-Random-Head-Don: Chillax bro. We got this.

Anil: Lekin main Tom Cruise ko kya mooh dikhaoonga?

Ameesha: Here, let me put you in the juicer and stuff so liquid comes out.

Anil: Okay!

Twist #78

Anil: Ah! I feel better now. So how are we going to steal this thing?

Saif: Well, the lamest nun in the history of nunnery is in charge of guarding this most priceless relic so we can totally hack the password while she flips out.

Ameesha: Great plan! Can I come?

Saif: Okay.

Deepika: Can I come too?

Saif: No. You and Jackie have disappeared completely at this point in the movie.

Jacqueline: Huh? What? I’m still in this movie?

Con #95

Anil: Hey, where’s John?

Saif: He’s jiggling his manboobs in a cage.

Anil: Of course.

Twist #82

Aditya Pancholi: FIGHT or I won’t finance this Turin heist!

John: But my last fight was my last fight.

Typhoon, The Gora Prizefighter: HAAAAAYAAAAAAAAHHH!!

John: haaa…. haaaa…

Abbas-Mustan: Saala ye chilla bhi nahin sakta! Let us slow-mo the moob jiggles to camouflage the fact that John can’t act.

Twist #64

Saif: I stole the Shroud! Bring the car around! I’m gonna come out of the sewer!

Anil: Just like M:I3! I’m ON IT!

Con #9

John: I won the fight! You got the Shroud! Let’s drink champagne in the middle of the blistering desert out of wooden mugs!

Saif: Nah.

John: You think I poisoned your drink? Here I’ll go first.

Saif: Okay. *drinks*

John: BAHAHAHAHA. You so stupid, Alina poisoned your mug fool, not the whole bottle!

Deepika: I did boo. Sorry.

Saif: OMG OMISHA save me!

Jacqueline: Just FYI, I’m not really Soniya’s sister. Also, men are many but money is money.

Saif: I’m DYING here, can  you not alliterate?

Deepika: Is this movie over yet?

Twist #297

John: Let’s drink champagne in our big fancy private jet!

Deepika & Jacqueline: Wokay.

John: But first I’m gonna shoot Alina.

Deepika: What? Why?

John: Did you seriously not see that coming?

CLIMAX!!!

Saif: I’M NOT REALLY DEAD Y’ALL I HAVE A BAD HABIT OF STAYING ALIVE. Also I drove my fancy car into your fancy plane because I have parachutes and stuff to use at the end.

Deepika: I did see that coming.

Saif: Why’d you kill Soniya?

John: Coz she cheated on me with you and broke my heart.

Saif: Wait, is this in the script or are we talking for real here?

John: IDK bro, did you sleep with Bipasha?

Saif: Have you not seen my Kareena tattoo?

Abbas-Mustan: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE MOVIE PLEASE.

John: LOL J/K, I killed her coz she took my money and ran.

Saif: I’m gonna rip the door off of this freakin’ plane now!

Jacqueline: And yet, amazingly all of us are just standing around even though our airplane has no door.

Airplane Pilot: WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE?

John: *Bang Bang*. Moron. Ranveer, I’m gifting you with a flying funeral and taking the parachute, my Big O and the bearer bonds with me.

Deepika: Is the movie over NOW?

Saif: Nope! My fancy car has four red parachutes.

Deepika: Wokay.

Twist #780

John: The bearer bonds are fake and so is the Shroud of Turin! Ranveer totally out-conned me! NO WAY!

Saif: BWAHAHAHAHAHA. I told you, Race is MINE!

John: Don’t worry, I’ll see you in Race 3.

Deepika: THERE’S GOING TO BE A RACE 3?!! CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL OFF MY CHARACTER PLEASE?

END.

GetFilmy Rating:

ZOMG

OMG

MEH

WTF

LMAOROFLZOMGWTFISTHISSHIT?!!!!

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14 comments on “Money Is Money & Cherries Are Cherries: The Brilliance Of Race 2 [SPOILERS]

  1. Heehee. I’m so glad my schmoopums Akshaye Khanna wasn’t in this. Is it wrong I want to see this in the cinema just to snark-watch?

    • PS Did they really say that thing about cherries? EW.

    • Beth – snark-watching is the ONLY way to watch this movie, soooo much of snarky snark. :D BTW, Saif’s intro shot may possibly be the hottest he has ever looked – that shot alone may be legitimate paisa vasool but the rest of it is just good ol LOLWTF.

      And yes, they really did use the cherry line. And that wasn’t even the worst of the Ameesha-Anil track. :/

  2. Deepika looked crazy hot. Only reason I saw the film! *gets on the treadmill*

  3. “He’s jiggling his manboobs in a cage”. – LOL! I gather Race2 will be in the comedy section instead of action? Hehehe. Is Jacqueline’s name really Omisha?

  4. hehhee.. ad they wasted crores on this movie??

  5. Hahaha, this review is perfect! I particularly liked the scenes when Saif was stealing the shroud due to their sheer stupidity. Something hilarious about hearing a nun screaming,”Call the bomb squad immediately!”

    The pop your cherry thing was beyond words.

    And genuinely I figured out every twist in the film cuz A. They’re so outlandish and “unexpected” that they become obvious and B.
    Its just like the original Race.

    And if I’m totally honest, I didn’t feel bad for Bipasha. Why did the silly cow run off with John’s money?!! She had it coming lol…

    Plus John wasn’t a particularly menancing villan. And this was one of Deepika’s bad performances. I hated her in Cocktail btw. Lol I seem to be the only one.

    • Maya – GASP you hated DP in Cocktail? I loved her in that but in this one she had nothing to do but look hot, which is expected in an Abbas Mustan film. Wasn’t the whole Shroud of Turin thing SO RIDICULOUS. I felt so bad for the actor they hired to play the nun, I was like lady – GET OUT NOW before you’re scarred for life!!

      John was horrible, as many have said – he was just being John, he wasn’t even trying to act.

  6. The world momentarily forgot that John and Deepika can’t act. Aah thank you Race 2 for reminding us. Also the theme tune is kickass!

  7. OMG I laughed so hard, I think I made abs :o
    No really, thank you for this. Provided some sort of damage control. Because honestly, that movie scarred me.
    I feel bad for Sonam Kapoor though. If my dad decided to bag a role like this, I would kill myself. Or kill him. Yeah, that’s better.
    Surprised how such raunchy dialogues didn’t garner more attention than other much pettier things normally do.

    • Wafa,

      LOLz, I think this movie scarred all of us. And yes, this is a really good time NOT to be Anil Kapoor’s daughter because either murder or suicide would happen, one of the two for sure. ;)

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