Because you know what? They’re making too many sequels, Nargis Fakhri is signing too many goddamn films and why in the name of Donald Duck is Raja Sen interviewing her anyway, can anyone explain this to me please?
Everything in B-town is falling apart without me!!
But, I digress before I’ve even started…
Aurangzeb aka ADISUXXX
My new mission in life is to gather a bunch of Adi Trolls on twitter. Who’s with me? I want this army to be bigger than Bhai Trolls, bigger than King Trolls. And then we’re gonna like…virtually raid the YRF offices (that’ll show them!). Because Aditya Chopra’s gotta go.
Did you watch Aurangzeb? Probably not. BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT EXISTED. Never mind that the trailer was hotter than hot, or that the premise reminded us all of those “main aaj bhi phenke hue paise nahin uthata” days of Salim-Javed glory, YRF basically didn’t give a shit as far as promoting it.
And after watching the film, you realize that they didn’t give a shit during the making of it too. Despite a solid script and a STELLAR cast, Aurangzeb came out looking like some cheap C-grade film, the kind that gets 1.5 stars on Netflix by whoever has time in their life to actually rate those becharas. It’s not that the substance was bad, but the making, GOD the making – REALLY? I couldn’t believe I was watching a YRF movie.
Aurangzeb had everything we loved about the 70s going for it – judwa bhais separated at birth, one good, one bad, a long-suffering ma, a corrupt cop, an adopted son, a good cop, a don with a soft heart and even a moll played dubiously by a WTF Sasha Agha who desperately made me miss moll extraordinaire, Parveen Babi.
Why revive such a genre? Well look what Agneepath did for everyone involved (especially me). It brought back gritty 90s masala with style and flair. Aurangzeb could’ve done the same for that lost genre of man versus establishment with heavy, heavy doses of family rona dhona that the 70s are still so loved for. You could see that director Atul Sabarwal was going for a slower, slicker version of the same – but it was heavy on exposition (too much telling instead of showing), suffered from bad editing and some appallingly directed scenes especially towards the end which made me think they were running short of resources to ever approve the final takes.
Can I just say though that this was the hunkiest film ever – double hunky Arjun Kapoor who clearly needs a lot of work in the acting department given that the best thing he’s got going for him is his evil smile – that, and his physique but there’s only so much of brawn one can take when the acting is so painful. He makes a great bad-ass though.
Other than him and the aforementioned WTF Sasha (sorry, there’s just no other expression adequate enough to express the WTFness of Sasha), the rest of the cast – super hunk Prithvi, uncle-hunks Rishi & Jackie and (not a hunk) Amrita Singh plus a gaggle of criminally underused but expertly cast supporting actors, were awesome.
Except in the climax portions where ALL of them except Prithvi devolved into WHAT IS GOING ON ARE WE ON THE PLANET MARS territory. Seriously. Some epically funny scenes in the last 30 minutes or so, which would be fine except that they were supposed to be crescendo-ing into a super-serious, dramatic finale. FAIL.
You know what this movie is about. I know what this movie is about. We’ve seen practically all the songs. We’ve heard Deepika & Ranbir gush about each other at every press conference for the past month and we’re not certain if Katrina may or may not be stalking them on their press tour (just kidding, she’s…you know, acting and stuff).
Sidenote: not to be left out, we’ve seen Ranveer Singh gushing non-stop about Deepika as well. Literally it’s been like “Hey Ranveer, how are you today?” and he’s like “OMG DEEPIKA IS A GODDESS”. SAMBHAL APNE AAP KO YAAR.
But back to YJHD, despite the “if I wait 2 more minutes I’m gonna *SOB* fall in love with you ZOMGGG” we’re all gonna watch it anyway. RIGHT? BECAUSE RANBIR KAPOOR.
And also, I wanna see if they’ll tackle the life-altering question of what would happen if she waited 1 minute instead of 2. MUST FIND OUT.
While we’re on YJHD, check out Sal’s super fun post about all the reasons we love to hate to love this movie. It includes stuff about a “prettified Ranbir” and how volumizing conditioner is basically the stuff true love stories are made of.
(Okay, I’m hoping YJHD isn’t going to be as boohoo quarter-life crisis as all this but even if it is, you know what? RANBIR. That is all.)
Am I the only person from Bollywood that didn’t get to go to Cannes this year? Coz like WTF man, Ameesha, Sherlyn Chopra, Mallika Sherawat…just random desi people…we really ARE everywhere.
Amitabh Bachchan was seen drowning in his stolen stash of KJo’s sequins…
…while KJo was seen clearly making good on his promise to get to size zero for KOFFEE WITH KARAN SEASON 4 (breathe, breathe).
Sonam ate her cake and became a cake…or something…clearly Cannes is the role she was meant to play and I think she should just stick to the red carpet as a career in general and LEAVE REKHA THE FUCK ALONE.
India was seen shining via Vidya’s “is she really wearing a pallu on her head?” pallu…
..and later two ginormous noserings were seen battling it out to win the We Are India cup.
Then Aishwarya arrived and everything was sane for a moment.
Until we realized that Sabyasachi needs to just go on a long vacation and regroup.
And Ameesha hasn’t even hit that red carpet yet. Oh man, wouldn’t it be GREAT if she showed up in head to toe suffocating Sabyasachi, long sleeves & pallu on head with the BIGGEST NOSERING OF THEM ALL ??
One can only dream.
Rumor has it, there were some films seen at Cannes too but I’m not sure.
That’s it for today everybody, don’t wanna overwhelm you with the superficial. :p I MISSED YOU GUYS!! <3 And I will try to get back to regular posting. SOMEBODY has to stop them from making the Baazigar sequel.