Because you know what? They’re making too many sequels, Nargis Fakhri is signing too many goddamn films and why in the name of Donald Duck is Raja Sen interviewing her anyway, can anyone explain this to me please?

Everything in B-town is falling apart without me!!

But, I digress before I’ve even started…

Aurangzeb aka ADISUXXX


My new mission in life is to gather a bunch of Adi Trolls on twitter. Who’s with me? I want this army to be bigger than Bhai Trolls, bigger than King Trolls. And then we’re gonna like…virtually raid the YRF offices (that’ll show them!). Because Aditya Chopra’s gotta go.

Did you watch Aurangzeb? Probably not. BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT EXISTED. Never mind that the trailer was hotter than hot, or that the premise reminded us all of those “main aaj bhi phenke hue paise nahin uthata” days of Salim-Javed glory, YRF basically didn’t give a shit as far as promoting it.

And after watching the film, you realize that they didn’t give a shit during the making of it too. Despite a solid script and a STELLAR cast, Aurangzeb came out looking like some cheap C-grade film, the kind that gets 1.5 stars on Netflix by whoever has time in their life to actually rate those becharas. It’s not that the substance was bad, but the making, GOD the making – REALLY? I couldn’t believe I was watching a YRF movie.

Aurangzeb had everything we loved about the 70s going for it – judwa bhais separated at birth, one good, one bad, a long-suffering ma, a corrupt cop, an adopted son, a good cop, a don with a soft heart and even a moll played dubiously by a WTF Sasha Agha who desperately made me miss moll extraordinaire, Parveen Babi.

Why revive such a genre? Well look what Agneepath did for everyone involved (especially me). It brought back gritty 90s masala with style and flair. Aurangzeb could’ve done the same for that lost genre of man versus establishment with heavy, heavy doses of family rona dhona that the 70s are still so loved for. You could see that director Atul Sabarwal was going for a slower, slicker version of the same – but it was heavy on exposition (too much telling instead of showing), suffered from  bad editing and some appallingly directed scenes especially towards the end which made me think they were running short of resources to ever approve the final takes.

Can I just say though that this was the hunkiest film ever – double hunky Arjun Kapoor who clearly needs a lot of work in the acting department given that the best thing he’s got going for him is his evil smile – that, and his physique but there’s only so much of brawn one can take when the acting is so painful. He makes a great bad-ass though.

Other than him and the aforementioned WTF Sasha (sorry, there’s just no other expression adequate enough to express the WTFness of Sasha), the rest of the cast – super hunk Prithvi, uncle-hunks Rishi & Jackie and (not a hunk) Amrita Singh plus a gaggle of criminally underused but expertly cast supporting actors, were awesome.

Except in the climax portions where ALL of them  except Prithvi devolved into WHAT IS GOING ON ARE WE ON THE PLANET MARS territory. Seriously. Some epically funny scenes in the last 30 minutes or so, which would be fine except that they were supposed to be crescendo-ing into a super-serious, dramatic finale. FAIL.



You know what this movie is about. I know what this movie is about. We’ve seen practically all the songs. We’ve heard Deepika & Ranbir gush about each other at every press conference for the past month and we’re not certain if Katrina may or may not be stalking them on their press tour (just kidding, she’s…you know, acting and stuff).

Sidenote: not to be left out, we’ve seen Ranveer Singh gushing non-stop about  Deepika as well. Literally it’s been like “Hey Ranveer, how are you today?” and he’s like “OMG DEEPIKA IS A GODDESS”. SAMBHAL APNE AAP KO YAAR.

But back to YJHD, despite the “if I wait 2 more minutes I’m gonna *SOB* fall in love with you ZOMGGG” we’re all gonna watch it anyway. RIGHT? BECAUSE RANBIR KAPOOR.

And also, I wanna see if they’ll tackle the life-altering question of what would happen if she waited 1 minute instead of 2. MUST FIND OUT.

While we’re on YJHD, check out Sal’s super fun post about all the reasons we love to hate to love this movie. It includes stuff about a “prettified Ranbir” and how volumizing conditioner is basically the stuff true love stories are made of.

(Okay, I’m hoping YJHD isn’t going to be as boohoo quarter-life crisis as all this but even if it is, you know what? RANBIR. That is all.)

Cannes Circus

Am I the only person from Bollywood that didn’t get to go to Cannes this year? Coz like WTF man, Ameesha, Sherlyn Chopra, Mallika Sherawat…just random desi people…we really ARE everywhere.

Amitabh Bachchan was seen drowning in his stolen stash of KJo’s sequins…



…while KJo was seen clearly making good on his promise to get to size zero for KOFFEE WITH KARAN SEASON 4 (breathe, breathe).



Sonam ate her cake and became a cake…or something…clearly Cannes is the role she was meant to play and I think she should just stick to the red carpet as a career in general and LEAVE REKHA THE FUCK ALONE.



India was seen shining via Vidya’s “is she really wearing a pallu on her head?” pallu…



..and later two ginormous noserings were seen battling it out to win the We Are India cup.



Then Aishwarya arrived and everything was sane for a moment.


Yeah, I know.

Until we realized that Sabyasachi needs to just go on a long vacation and regroup.


Possibly, I’m the Queen of England.

And Ameesha hasn’t even hit that red carpet yet. Oh man, wouldn’t it be GREAT if she showed up in head to toe suffocating Sabyasachi, long sleeves & pallu on head with the BIGGEST NOSERING OF THEM ALL ??

One can only dream.

Rumor has it, there were some films seen at Cannes too but I’m not sure.

That’s it for today everybody, don’t wanna overwhelm you with the superficial. :p I MISSED YOU GUYS!! <3 And I will try to get back to regular posting. SOMEBODY has to stop them from making the Baazigar sequel.

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28 comments on “HIATUS OVER. Aurangzeb, YJHD, and CANNES 2013 MADNESS!!

  1. I know you and I and our twitter pals have already discussed this, but for the record in another location, I’d just like to say SONAM WILL NEVER EVER BE EVEN 10% REKHA and it is some kind of evil media conspiracy that we are even talking about the comparison. GAH.

  2. Deepika, Sonam and Aishwarya restoring my faith in beauty.

  3. welcome back…whole cannes circus was bit too much this year hopefully we lift our films rather than fashion….none of our film are in competition they are all in friendly guest appearance category

  4. You are BACK! :D Yaar, please never leave…it’s been a sad Internet without your posts!

    Cannes Circus – I love Vidya, I think she looked gorgeous face-wise & figure-wise at Cannes…but man…CHANGE IT UP A LITTLE! Let that gorgeous hair down! Wear something light and fun! It’s spring in Cannes!

    Aishwarya looked gorgeous in the Elie Saab, but after that Sabya maharani look, she went for an Abu-Sandeep tent, which just…UGH.

    Sonam looked marvelous in the cake dress. I love the cake dress. I may have set the cake dress pics as my desktop wallpaper at work.

    Also, just wanted to say re the many people who show up at Cannes. The organizers at Cannes are not really choosy. Basically anyone can walk the carpets, that’s why a lot of irrelevant famewhores tend to show up. So not really surprised that Ameesha, Mallika, etc. get to pose in front of the photogs.

    P.S. YAY you’re back! :D

  5. Welcome Back Shakila ji. Your awesome posts were missed.

    I don’t know why, but I was never really carried away by Aurangzeb trailer. Not a fan of Arjun Kapoor, and I also think he is OK-ish in acting department. Rishi Kapoor is surely enjoying his second innings in Bollywood.

    I haven’t seen any movie after Bombay Talkies, but I’m really looking forward to YJHD for Ayan, Deepika & Ranbir in that order. (Agree 100% with that YJHD post)

    I honestly think Cannes is very happening this year. Apart from some Anurag – Guneet’s indie movies, we have Bombay Talkies, which is a very special film, and Juror Bidya seriously needs to fire her stylist. Loved Sonam in that white gown and in the pink Elie Saab dress. Aishwarya, thankfully did not disappoint on the first day. LOVED her at the Media Call and at the red carpet in the Elie Saab. Day 2 was disappointing. UGGH.. SAALE ABU-SANDEEP!! Let’s see what happens today. She will be in Cannes upto 23rd.

    I read Manish is designing for Ameesha Ben. And please, I AM NOT TEAM AMEESHA BEN. But, must say her black magic is working yaar. Cannes pohoch gayi…

    Keep writing. Cheers!! :-D

    • Rahul, Yup Manish is designing for Ameesha ben so expecting bra-blouse plus sheer sari or something like that… can’t WAIT to watch Bombay Talkies, if they end up not releasing it overseas after Cannes I’ll be so sad. Wanna watch it on big screen.

      Sonam & Ash were best at Cannes I think, representing both generations. Vidya was just too Sabya overload but she was so pretty despite her clothes.

  6. GetFilmy is back. Yay! :D
    As usual, she makes a come-back with a fun-filled post.

    I liked Arjun, the villain. And Rishi Kapoor has been just great.

    Sr. Bachchan still looks good in this. But in blue suit, he was looking terrible.

    Lol about the nose rings. And the caption :P

  7. Yay you’re back Getfilmy!! Never ever leave us again!!

    I really love the Cannes for all the “fashion show”! Totally agree with you, Sonam just need to be on red carpet slash plus fashion shows. I really wonder why she’s not pursuing a career in modeling..

    P.s. I LOVE that cake dress on Sonam. She just look beautiful. I’m secretly wishing to see Vidya in some western clothing soon..

    • diwaniladki – not gonna lie I know absolutely nothing about fashion and even I’ve loved all the Cannes fashion coverage! It’s kind of cute how much Sonam loves the red carpet and she really is great at working it… but…oh well, let’s wait for Ranjhanaa and see if she can finally wow us with her acting.

  8. YAY, you’re back! All the laddoos are phooto-ing in my heart right now! And thanks so much for the shout-out!

    I am so curious about Sasheh Agha’s WTFness. She must have done some extraordinarily WTFy for you to have completely lost patience with her. Well, at least Jackie is back in an A-list movie; here’s hoping other filmmakers will take note, and he’ll have a career resurgence.

    Not gonna lie, I loved all of Sonam’s appearances. That Anamika Khanna/nathni look gave me all sorts of life, and the Dolce slayed me. (Don’t hate me? I might have to address my whole Sonam problem, the problem being that I . . . pretty much love her) in a future blog post. Ash is, of course, queen of Cannes. She always looks so much happier and more comfortable there than she does in India.

    Okay, so you can’t disappear from the blogosphere after this brilliant return. Tussi na jao!

    • Sal – First of all Sasha or Sasheh? WTF #1 :p You just have to see her on the big screen, she was the one person completely miscast, trying so hard to be sexy and aggressive, it’s kind of like an annoying middle school kid trying to act in a big Bollywood production…very amateurish. And the long ass hair, just weird.

      Sonam did kill in on the red carpet, props where props are due. But the red carpet has never been her problem. Can’t wait for your Sonam post. I don’t hate her…I just…find her amusing.

      Hum nahin jayenge, too many laddoos in the offing!! :D

  9. I am reacting how the cute little sardaar in KKHH would react if Anjali actually came back :D Tussi aa gayeeeee! :D
    Fabulous post, yaar! And your Cannes coverage is awesome :D Had me in splits throughout! :D

  10. I couldn’t even get one sentence into your post before clicking on the Raja Sen link and OMG CAN NARGIS GET ANY MORE OBNOXIOUS?! “Whimsically traipsing?” Are you kidding me? Is she 12? Does she think MPDG is some sort of life goal?

    Ship her off to Goa to hang with Israeli backpackers, please, and get her out of films.

  11. Okay! Next year double room in Cannes? You and me? XD

    • FG,

      RIGHT????? I was like oh come on man Great Wall of China are you for real? She is the real life MPDG and I had the same exact reaction as you do – if she loves traveling so much I wish she’d just do that and leave my films alone!!


  12. YAY, comeback of the year yaar, love it! Chalo, let’s begin:

    Agreed, Rani Zero (as in Coke Zero) was a sore point as were all the points Adi interfered in but I loved the film – I think it was inspired by a lot of classy films and if you’ve seen them, then it feels quite shoddy but for some reason, I loved the darkness and that the film managed largely to be what it wanted it to be. Will be watching it again on telecast at some point so dekhenge how I feel then!

    Agree about YHJD but as prospective Dharma employees, we must champion our roti providers!

    As for Cannes fashion, I loved Sabya’s stuff but it was more suited to fashion week than Cannes. My question is why the Fardeen Khan was Anaita Adjania Shroff (stylist for Vogue India + Cocktail) not drafted in to style our girls? Answer: Because DPad is hogging her. Hence, we need to get DPad to Cannes!

    So glad you are back, time for a song!

    Hum khush huay!

  13. BOGEY – arre vah! blog comment from you makes the lambi judai all worth it. :p

    Yeah, I really wanted to love Aurangzeb because all I saw in every frame was that it had so much potential but was getting shoddy treatment. I loved the darkness and even the slower pacing, it could have had a real elegance about it. But you know the scenes towards the end, that bullet-ridden cop back from the dead in the hospital corridor…OMG I was laughing and cringing…

    Yeah, next year we need both DPad & Bebo at Cannes, no more Sabya OR Abu Sandeep, so sick of their upholstery.

    Yaar, ye kaisey gaaney hain tere. O.O Imagining the whole blogosphere standing shoulder to shoulder singing Hum khush hue hum khush hue ….

  14. I’m new, I know nothing, I’m not worthy ;) but I wanted to comment so I’m being brave, here goes:

    Bollywood Cannes coverage seemed to have a whole Sonam vs Vidya vibe, which is a not-really-fair fight: of course, model-pretty, size-tiny lady is always gonna win.

    And re Vidya Balan’s same-same outfits: I was watching her and Rani on Koffee with Karan, (where they were both so adorable that I wanted to pluck them from the screen n pop them in my pocket, so that I could always have access to good Vidya-Rani vibes) and Vidya seemed to have a bit of an issue style-wise (apparently she copped it for being worst-dressed or something? I’m new, I know nothing, see above). And I think she said that she’s decided to just stick with that traditional look cos that’s what suits her. But to FINALLY get to my point: I think she’s taken her own advice a bit too seriously. Also how terrifying would it be to represent your country on a global red carpet if you were even a teensy bit insecure about your fash-cred?

    Ok, I’m done (breathes out). Love your blog, glad you’re back.

    PS – it’s not that I consider myself on a first-names basis with Rani, I just don’t know how to spell her surname: Mukerji? Mukherjee? Or somewhere in between? So Rani it is :)

  15. Tobi,

    LOL please, new commenters are always welcome. Vidya has a long history of fashion dramz, but yeah there was a point when she was being styled wrong in tacky “western” clothing and at some point she found herself, started wearing saris and looked amazing. The problem isn’t the traditional look here, the problem is that it’s overkill and Sabyasachi, the designer, really overdid it with the “desiness” of it all.

    She’s not insecure about her fash-cred at all, in fact, quite the opposite. The criticism is actually going more to the designer than her, though all of us would love to see her just let her hair down at least.

    As for Rani’s last name, even I’m not sure how she’s spelling it these days. We’re all on a first name basis here with the celebz. ;-)

  16. Ah, thanks for clearing that up for me. I nearly added another ps to say how much I wished she’d worn her lovely hair down too, but then decided not to cos I already kinda exhausted myself on the first comment :)

    Oh and I wasn’t complaining about bloggy-bollywood commentators like yourself, just bolly-entertainment websites. I guess I never fully recovered from how mean they were to aishwarya and her post-baby weight.

    And now I seem like a big killjoy!

  17. HIIIIIIII!!!!! I haven’t read through all the comments, but WELCOME BACK!!!! And if it took the rumor of a Baazigar sequel to bring you back, then at least one good thing has come of it. :)

    But you’re right. Bollywood is going from bad to worse without you, so step up to the plate and slap some sense into them. YAAAY! I’m so glad you’re blogging again. I’ve really missed having some interesting BW blogs to read. Only Filmigirl has kept me going. :)

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